Better days

I've seen better days. As far as days go, these have been the hardest. It is becoming ever so clear to me that the phrase "working mother" is an oxymoron. As a mother, you are already working - that is a full-time job in itself. Then add on top the responsibilities of a career and you've got a working working mother. Of course that sounds ridiculous so that's why it has been simplified for us simpletons.

Cole has been sick, I've been sick, and Keith has been sick. Currently, we are all still sick. I have dark circles under my eyes that make me look my age. My hair feels lifeless and I just feel like blech. It sucks and I'm so physically exhausted I'm not sure how I function every day and teach and smile and wake up and then do it all over again. Because he has been sick, and also because he's growing and maybe even also because he's teething, Cole has been ravenous. He eats more at day care and he nurses about every hour and a half at home. That means little to no sleep for both of us, and sometimes, all 3 of us wake up too tired to move.

Couple all of this at home with my work day - my work day in which I am pumping almost every free second I have (I'm being hyperbolic, but you get the point) and you have sheer exhaustion. Because of all this and because my job requires me to do more than just teach (planning, grading, communicating with parents, guidance counselors and administrators) I can't always pump what Cole needs the next day - especially if I'm stressed. For instance, I was so overtired and stressed today that I only pumped 8 oz. Consequently, we have decided to supplement his feedings with rice cereal and formula. Formula was the last thing I wanted to give Cole. There is nothing wrong with formula; it's just that breast milk is better for him plain and simple. And I want to give him the best.

But I cannot go on like this. I cannot spend all of my free time trying to make milk for him when I don't have that much free time nor can I spend my time worrying about getting enough milk for him. I also cannot continue to function on so little sleep. Do I sound like I am explaining myself? I probably am. This decision was not made lightly. I've cried and agonized over it, but it dawned on me today that for the past several weeks I've been denying to myself that he needs more to eat at day care. So last night we gave him 4 oz of formula, and he was STILL hungry afterwards. I nursed him after the formula bottle and he fell asleep with a little bit of help from Keith. By no means did he sleep through the night, but he woke up every 2 hours instead of every 90 mts - and THAT was an improvement.

I want to give my son the absolute best in life, so it kills me to not be able to do that - especially after believing I'd be able to nurse him for a year with just solids as supplements and not formula. I think the biggest lesson I can learn from this is how to let go. I have to let go and believe that I have done my best. I have done everything I can these past four months to make sure he only ate breast milk. But if I continue on like this, I will hit rock bottom, and I don't want to do that. I already had a breakdown at work over this - crying to my co-worker after she asked me how Cole and I were doing. Before I knew it I was crying to all of the women in the office and they were all giving me advice and trying to make me feel better about the situation. (They had all breastfed and all of them either supplemented or switched to formula after returning to work). I do not under any circumstance want to switch, but my biggest fear with supplementing was that I would lose my supply and could be forced to switch. Every breastfeeding book I read says that once you supplement with formula your supply can start to diminish by each feeding that is taken away. I've also heard anecdotes of mothers who've supplemented and whose child then preferred the formula over breastmilk. But I've also heard the opposite to be true as well. I truly hope that does not happen with Cole. Hopefully, at 4 months of age, breastfeeding is such a huge part of his life that he won't want to stop until we're both ready. I also hope that the 2 formula feedings a day we are planning to do (1 at daycare and one before bed) will not significantly affect my supply. One can only pray.

I know I've promised pictures, and I will post them sometime this week, but this topic is at the forefront of my mind, and I needed to write it down. For me, writing is also therapeutic so this has helped. Thanks for reading.