I take clutziness to a whole new level

I am and have always been a clutz. Three years ago I broke my toe while I was sitting down. A few months ago, I dropped the heavy transformer that helps power my pump onto the top of my foot. I walk into things every day and I have bruises all over my shins and knees to prove it. Then just yesterday, while I was stubbornly moving my computer around in my office, I dropped an external hard drive onto the top of that same foot. Ouch. I had a feeling this was a doozy, but I'm stubborn, so I only put ice on it for a short while and hurriedly got back to getting things done, which seems to have been my motto this week. I have been going non-stop every morning after Keith takes Cole to day care. I've literally been running around like a mad woman straightening up the house and then moving to my office where I have been slowly but surely tackling my desks. Before dropping the hard drive onto the top of my foot, I had managed to successfully empty the giganto desk in my room and switch it with the much more modest wooden desk. Now, all Keith has to do is take the giganto desk apart and move it out of our office. I'm going to list it on craigslist today and hopefully we won't have to store it in our garage for too long.

But back to my foot. So I walk on it all afternoon. It hurts a little, sure, but it doesn't seem to be too bad. So I'm not worried.  Fast forward to 5:45 when I'm feeding Cole and suddenly it hits me like a ton of bricks (or a ton of hard drives). The pain. And I can barely move my foot. And I still have to give Cole a bath, put him into his pajamas, and feed him. (Keith was doing a maternity shoot in Hyde Park). Somehow I manage to hobble my way through all of these chores. Of course through most of them I had to hold Cole, which made it so much more difficult. I even had to wrestle the bottle from his grasp as I hobbled back to his nursery. Thankfully he went down without a fight, and I proceeded into the living room at about the same time that Keith came home. It was here that my breakdown began. I started to realize that it could be hurting so bad because I could have fractured it somehow. There are, after all, 26 bones in the human foot. So, it was possible that dropping a hard drive on top of at least a third of them could have broken one. I was devastated. Here I am about to spend the summer with my son, and I can't walk!

So I threw myself a pity party and cried inconsolably for maybe 10 minutes. None of Keith's "pull yourself together" or "take an advil" worked in making me feel better. I refused the advil, and I only became angry with him - but only because I was so angry with myself for being so clutzy! I mean what possessed me to move my computer tower with the hard drive sitting atop it? Absentmindedness+ cliutziness = accident prone.

But we can't change the past, can we? And life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it, right?  So, my piss poor reaction just netted me an angry husband and no pity. Finally, I gave in and took the advil. Afterwards, I called my neighbor and she loaned me a pair of her crutches and said she'd take me to the hospital if I wanted to go. I decided against it and I am feeling a bit better today. However, because I want to err on the side of caution, I  am going to the podiatrist today for an X-Ray.

I bet I have all of you beat in the clutz department. Am I right, or am I right?


I'll leave you with this parting shot...

Duck Pond and Beyond: 9 Months Later

We last hiked to Duck Pond 9 months ago, on a nice hike with Peter and Peg. Cole was only 4 months old then, and I wore him in the Beco Gemini. This time, Keith wore a much heavier Cole in the Kelty Kids Adventure pack we bought on Craigslist for $40! You've seen this pack before, I just wanted to brag again about the great deal we got.  There really is no other better used marketplace than Craigslist.

So about this hike. We decided Saturday night that if we did some sort of exercise once each weekend, it would make up for the fact that we got little to no exercise during the week. We also decided that while we have hiked a large part of the Mohonk Preserve in the past 3 years, there are still many areas that we have not ventured into. So we decided to hike to Duck Pond, but then go further up the mountain and under the cliffs that hold Sky Top. This is what we did: 4.5 miles and a 468-foot ascent, while Keith held a 30 pound pack of shifting (and sometimes kicking) weight. I have so much respect for him because not once did he complain during the hike. I started to, but then I shut my mouth, because I was just holding his camera, and while that was kind of heavy, it was nothing compared to what he was holding. The pictures we took made this hike so worth it. Some are pretty funny. See for yourself...

The horse off the trail saying hello

Cole sees a horse for the first time in his life.

Daddy and baby on the trail in the deep woods

Mommy doing some heavy interference at Duck Pond

Cole discovers the hiking pole

Keith discovers that he can actually use the walking pole as a stand-in "leash" because
once Cole discovers something interesting he does not want to let it go.

Stubborn Cole refuses to let go

Daddy's little apprentice

Trail magic

This is the picture Keith was squatting  down to get.

Mama on the trail during the ascent

Helping to create that "trail magic"

Keith proves that you can do a diaper change just about ANYWHERE

On lessons learned

So yesterday I learned two lessons. While going through old papers in one of several drawers filled with old files  and old writing from high school and college (more on that later), I found a research paper I had written about marijuana. It was the most ridiculous paper I think I have ever written. Partly because of the content but also because of how I had written it. I actually interviewed people I knew and then placed their comments about marijuana in my paper under pseudonyms. I actually expected my teacher to be okay with this. Seriously? What I learned was that kids write stupid shit. And I just have to get over it. Year after year I get more fed up at the stupid shit I read. I often feel personally insulted when I read the stupid shit they write. Do you actually expect me to believe you wrote that? or Did you not learn ANYTHING in my class? So, next time I'm grading (not for another 8 weeks - at least!!) I just need to remind myself of all the stupid shit I wrote when I was 15. And remember that I teach 12-year-olds.

I also learned another valuable lesson. I really should get off my high horse when it comes to decluttering. Just yesterday I was thinking of how much better I am at throwing things away than Keith is. Too often, he'll stop me from throwing out things less for its usefulness and more for its sentimental value- no matter how useless the object. Sometimes he's the "I might need it later" kind of clutter keeper. And ever since I read Clutter's Last Stand I have been throwing things away left and right, so that our house - to my mind- is a bit less cluttered than it could be if I decided to keep all of my useless sentimental junk.

The problem is that I never actually finished reading the book.

So there I was in my small section of the office, going through my files and finding myself paralyzed when it came to throwing EVERYTHING away. I could not bring myself to do it. It's stuff I only ever look at every few years: old articles I've written, student literary magazines I was published in, oodles and oodles of poems, not to mention the literary magazines I self published in my really creative years after college.  I have a very hard time parting with my own writing. And I don't know why. I've published whatever I'm going to publish. It's not like I'm going to write a book of poetry anytime soon, or publish the short stories that only friends have read. So why am I keeping them? I am such a different person now. I care about different things, I write differently. Hell, I even think differently (to a degree).
One of my favorite writers, Natalie Goldberg, once said that she burned all of her old writing. Because really, what are we holding on to? It's not like I ever want to be that person again? I like who I have become.  I was once regretful, resentful, lonely, fearful. Now? I no longer regret. Having Cole allowed me to let go of lots of past resentments.  Having that much love in your heart doesn't allow room for many grudges. I haven't been lonely since I met Keith, and I shed my old fear more and more every day (although some of that is replaced with new ones - as a new mother I think this goes with the territory).  I realize that every decision I've made has led me down the path I was meant to go on. And for that I am so grateful.

So why am I still holding on to who I once was?

I'll leave you with one of the reasons why I know it's time to let go of my old (mostly depressed) self and embrace the woman I've become.

And here's the other...

Let the summer begin...

So I once heard a teacher's summer being compared to a weekend, and every summer this simile rings so true for me. June is like a Friday, when you are anticipating the weekend and very excited about the upcoming summer vacation (or weekend). July is like a Saturday where you are just relaxing worry free. And, finally, August, is like a Sunday, when you start to think about September (or Monday, if you will) and maybe even dread it a little. I know that for some of my readers who don't have regular weekends like I do, this comparison doesn't work, but you know what I mean. Right now, it's like Happy Hour on a Friday afternoon. It's the first time in like five years where we've had a week left of June after school ended.

This weekend was my first weekend with no worries. Friday was a crazy day, spent running around the school getting all of my required signatures to close out and be set free for the summer. I also had to pack up my classroom because next year I will be a traveling teacher, and I have requested for next school year that i be placed in a classroom that has more technology. That was 3 years of packing up I had to do, but luckily, I keep most of my stuff in my home office, so it wasn't that terrible. I did have to pack up my entire classroom library, and that was a pain, because now we have to store in our garage - all 350 books for the summer! But I don't want them stolen so this is what I must do.

So this week, Cole is in day care for 3 of the 5 days, and I am going to clean out my home office. If you remember, I was on bed rest when Keith and Carolyn moved my office into Keith's. And then I had the baby, and then I just never had the time or energy to clean out the office. Not once in the past 10 months either. So this week is it. I'm going to clean house and minimize my supplies and furniture so that I can actually utilize it to its fullest potential next school year. I am also going to make my blog book a reality and a whole host of other things I have planned for 2.5 days. (I say 2.5 because I have two appointments scheduled for half of Thursday.) Here's hoping I can stay off Facebook and Blogger long enough to get everything done!

Happy Dad's Day

In Chez Ferris, a one day holiday usually turns into an entire weekend-celebration. To celebrate my father, we went to a winery on Saturday called Robibero Family Vineyards. This place used to be Rivendell Winery, however, much to the chagrin of my father, Rivendell closed their doors several years ago. He loved that winery, particularly because one of their white wines was his favorite wine. But we were pleasantly surprised when we went to the newly remodeled home of Robibero Family Vineyards. This place is awesome, particularly because it was so large, clean, and nicely designed. And I know it's a winery and everything, but it was a great place for Cole to run around. It was relatively quiet so he had the run of the place, literally! It was really exciting for him and for us chasing after him. We took turns drinking our wine and running after the little man.

Here are my three favorite people: my father, my husband, and the light of my life- my baby

Doesn't he just look so beautiful here?

He was actually giggling with pure glee as he ran up and down the aisle in between the tables and chairs.

Pointing is his new favorite thing to do. "This!" he always says.

Catching a different view

Everybody's trying to get in on the pointing. It's what all the cool kids are doing.

How sweet is this pic?

 To celebrate Keith for Father's Day, we went to the Walkway on the Hudson on Sunday. This used to be a railroad bridge that spanned the Hudson River. It had been closed for many years. About 2 years ago they reopened it after spending some time making it into a walking bridge. It's also now a state park and the rail trail from Highland leads to the bridge. We parked in Highland and rode over the bridge. On the bridge almost everyone stopped to point at or notice Cole inside the trailer. He had a ton of fun people watching.  We rode on into Poughkeepsie where we went to Pulaski Park. It's after we found empty dime bags and broken glass under a nice shade tree that we decided to leave. The ride was a grand total of 8.8 miles. We can't wait to do it again.

Daddy and son posing with the trailer, bike, and the river behind

The bridge we drive over every single weekday morning

Cole enjoys the view

Cole sleeps off the long ride.

Daddy enjoys a cold one while holding the napping baby

Later on that afternoon we finally got Cole to enjoy the pool a bit. Who knew we just had to give him some toys?

The hat actually happens to be a hat with SPF of 50 and is the same material as a standard bathing suit

Too fast

I hear this so often: "They grow up so fast."

And yes they do. But sometimes I think that we as parents help that along. Meaning, we're sometimes too busy thinking about what's coming up next that we forget about what's right in front of us. I know from my own experience I think a lot about the next milestone he's trying to achieve. My heart sometimes skips a beat as I think of the milestones that have given him more and more independence. That independence is exciting while also frightening.

During the past (almost 13 months) I remember eagerly anticipating the next big thing:

The transition from bed to co-sleeper to crib.
The consumption of rice cereal, then soft solids, then chunkier solids.
The transition from breast milk and formula to breast milk and cow milk.
Watching him learn to sit, crawl, stand, cruise, walk, and now run!
The changing of the car seats from infant to convertible.
The clothes - oh don't even get me started on infant sizing and differences among brands. But you know what it's like when your baby no longer fits in newborn or  0-3 months.

We eagerly looked forward to a lot of it. Sometimes we were afraid. Sometimes I didn't think it was necessary to rush. But most of the time I was excited. I think for at least the next few months we will stay on this plateau, where we don't have to think about the next big thing. (did someone say toddler room in September? Please don't remind me! ) Over the next 8 weeks, I am planning on just enjoying my son. Making him laugh, giggle and run with glee is such a thrill. I think last summer I didn't get to enjoy it as much because he was too busy crying when I was home alone with him. And if you've had a colicky baby you know that those moments of non-stop wailing can be heartbreaking for all - if not completely deafening. Thank goodness for the smiles he bestowed upon us during the day and sometimes at night. Can a baby truly be classified as colicky if they can also smile at 3 a.m.?
Anyway, now a year later, the tables are totally turned. He's a mostly happy boy, and it doesn't take much to make him smile. He's also friendly, curious, determined, loving, and maybe kind of stubborn. (But aren't all kids?)

Mama and her toddler in his new (gently used) swimsuit! 

Are you one of those parents who feels like you are sometimes rushing it even though you know you shouldn't?

Flashback Friday: Baby Growing

4 Months old

12 Months old

Father's Day weekend sneak peak

I know I'm totally behind the times by giving you a sneak peek at Father's day nearly 4 days later, but my life is a little stressful right now as I close out for the school year, so sending in iPhone pics is the best I can do. These pics are from our lunch out on both days of this past weekend. Cole slept through most of each lunch, which hasn't happened since he was a newborn. Here are the adorable photos of the lucky parents who got to hold the sleeping baby.

Where am I?

Locked in my classroom grading. That's where. The first picture is Monday. The second picture is Tuesday. Look exactly the same, do they? Well imagine then what it must feel like for me! Grading sucks!

And the award goes to...

I hereby bestow The Boob Trophy to myself.

I hereby bestow the Golden Pump Award to Bitchypants

Because we are amazing mothers and because Randalin says that I deserve it, I finally agreed because you know what? I do deserve the damn award. Read this post to understand why. And so does Mommy A., aka, Bitchypants, a.k.a. my friend in Cincinnati who I've never met but with whom I've shared my pregnancy and first year of motherhood.   I would have given Bitchypants the Boob Trophy too, but I think the Golden Pump Award would be more fitting for obvious reasons. Check out her awesome blog to see why. Plus she asked for it. Obviously, the pump she was literally tied to for 10 months was not as pretty as the pump in this picture, but it's what gave her the chance to give her son the best milk ever- her own. And mommy's milk, my friends, is Liquid Gold.

Little Known Facts about Cole

Some you already knew, some you didn't.

• Cole gets more food in his lap at the end of a meal than in his mouth. I sometimes wonder if he ate anything at all. 
• He leaves a trail of food bits after I've set him down from the high chair.
• Cole loves hummus and goat cheese.
• Cole can say "Dude." And sometimes he says it like "Duuude." It's entirely too cute. The other night he woke up, so I made a bottle and let him cry in the crib for a few minutes. When I got in the room he was like "Dude" and pointed at me as if to say "Dude! Where were you?" 
• He can also say door and dog. Trouble is, these words sound the same.
• He now shushes.
• He hates to sleep and fights it at all costs. He will even slap himself awake. 
• Cole digs music and can sometimes be seen dancing to music
• He is very determined to take apart/open/close/pick up stuff he's not supposed to (i.e the new safety lock for the toilet bowl.)
• Whenever I open the door to the backseat (if he's awake) he lights up and smiles, excited for whatever new place I am going to take him.
• Cole hugs and kisses the cats now, and they don't seem to mind. Even Clem has come around. Keith says it's because Cole makes sense to her now. Meaning: he walks so now he seems more human. Either that or she was getting tired of hiding in the closet for months at a time.
• Cole likes to put his head on big pillows and pretend he's going to sleep (he had us fooled the first few times he did this).
• Cole can walk very quickly now. (Still not sure how I feel about this)
• Now that he can, Cole loves to close the door to the nursery, the bathroom, the hall closet, the bedroom (you get the drift).
• Cole sometimes throws himself on the floor when he gets upset (usually if we've taken something away). Methinks this is the beginning of tantrums.
• Cole loves to wave to strangers and say hi, especially when I'm about to put him into the car seat. I think he's just avoiding the inevitable: sitting in the cat seat, which he is not a big fan of. Guess why? Yep, because he falls asleep. Did I mention he fights sleep in the car too? Those are always fun rides home.
• Cole is a master squirmer when it comes to diaper changes. I have resorted to putting his diaper on in the crib. For some reason, he doesn't squirm as much.
• His 8th tooth has been threatening to cut through for at least a month. It's like the tooth that never was.

Cole at a recent meal.

Our First Year in Breastfeeding

So several weeks ago, I wrote a post in my parenting series about breastfeeding. Then blogger had a meltdown, and I accidentally deleted the post. Now I am creating a book based on my blog, and I want to write about breastfeeding again, since it plays such a crucial role in my mothering.

Thankfully, for you dear blog readers, you can read this one, because it's nothing like the original post.
First off, this is what Dr. Sears has to say about breastfeeding, one of the seven Baby B's of Attachment Parenting...

Breastfeeding is an exercise in babyreading. Breastfeeding helps you read your baby's cues, her body language, which is the first step in getting to know your baby. Breastfeeding gives baby and mother a smart start in life. Breastmilk contains unique brain-building nutrients that cannot be manufactured or bought. Breastfeeding promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.

It's amazing how one's perspective on something can change in a few weeks. The original subtitle for this post was: "Another love/hate story."  It was I who - over the past year- sometimes didn't like breastfeeding. And it was Cole who always loved it (and it's the opposite when it comes to babywearing - the other Baby B). I sometimes didn't like breastfeeding for all of the reasons you my dear readers already know:
 -the pain from sore nipples, milk blisters and clogged cuts
 -the inner torment that occurred when trying so hard to keep up my supply
 -the fact that pumping took time away from my work, which then took time away from my son on the weekends
  - the sleep deprivation that resulted in waking up to nurse every 2-3 hours for an entire year

You get the drift.

But all that resentment has now vanished.

When something could possibly be taken away from you, you come to look at it in a new light. You come to realize just how precious it really is.  Having to to cut down on breastfeeding sessions so that Cole will not have an allergic reaction to the medicine I am taking, has made me realize that I could very well be weaning Cole without wanting to. Each time I have to give him a bottle instead of the breast, it hurts my soul. I am not exaggerating. I never realized how much breastfeeding is a part of who I am as a mother. If I stop without being ready, I feel as though I would have to redefine who I am as his mother. I know that sounds crazy, but that final connection between baby and mama would be severed. Maybe my fear is that he would no longer need me, that he could then essentially get his sustenance from anyone, anywhere. Maybe that is what frightens me and what saddens me the most. I'm not sure if other mothers go through this, but I can tell you that dealing with a possible early end has not been easy. But at least - if anything - it has made me appreciate the breastfeeding relationship that we still have, however limited it may be.

I no longer hate pumping. (The only thing I hate doing is dumping my precious milk.) I see pumping as a way to push through this difficult time so that we can get out on the other side mostly unscathed. Pumping will trick my breasts into thinking they are still being used around the clock, so that 2.5 weeks from now, they will be ready to really be used around the clock. I only hope that 2.5 weeks from now that Cole is not more used to getting the bottle than getting my breast.

Cole's doctor said to me yesterday, during our appointment to see what was wrong with Cole this time (it turns out it's a bad cold), that I was a dedicated nurser, always trying to do the right thing for my baby. I was all ready to shoot down his compliment when I realized something important.  He's right.

This is a picture of Cole and I (babywearing AND nursing) during our hike to Duck Pond, October 17, 2010
with Peter and Peg.

12 Month Portraits

Check out Keith's blog post about the cobbler's children.

I just want to cry...wait I already have

It has happened again. I got a bulls eye rash from a phantom tick. A nice swollen ankle with the target in the middle. This lyme disease may be the end of my breastfeeding relationship with my baby.  I am devastated and angry because I had no intention - any time soon - to stop nursing. I do not want to deny my baby what he loves. And he still LOVES to nurse. But the facts are there. He is allergic to penicillin and sulfa drugs, both allergies he inherited from his father. The doctor prescribed me Ceftin, from yet another family of antibiotics. However, there is a 5% chance that people allergic to the medications I just mentioned could have a reaction to it. And we just learned about Cole's allergies in the past 4 months, so his body, according to the doctor, is primed for another allergic reaction. But I have no choice but to take the medicine.  The doctor would not offer me any advice, but he said if I wanted to keep nursing, I should keep an eye out for the rash. I started the medicine Tuesday night. No rash yet. But I believe there are reasons for that...

After talking to Keith, and consulting with my lactation fairy godmother, I have chosen to not stop breastfeeding but to significantly reduce the number of times I breastfeed him, which sucks royally. Also, when I pump, I have to dump my precious milk out. And since I can only breastfeed him 2-3 times a day, I must pump more than I used to. The reason I am doing it this way is so I limit his exposure to the medicine. It apparently has a half-life of 8-10 hours, so I don't nurse Cole until after that 10th hour. Now I know this number is just a number, but for me it's a guideline. It makes me feel better knowing that there's less of the medicine in my system when he's nursing. It's still there, but there's not as much of it. This decision is a compromise.

My only fear is that this will be the beginning of the end. Everything depends on how committed I am to continuing to pump when he doesn't nurse. If I don't, my supply will dwindle and when I stop the Ceftin (another 3 weeks), I may not have enough milk as I do now. And then we'll really be up shit's creek without a paddle.  The other problem that I'm facing in doing this - as I'm sure you already guessed- is that I am fighting a daily battle with the notorious clogged duct.

To top it all off, he's sick again with some kind of a respiratory infection. This is the time he loves to nurse, the time he needs to nurse. But I have had to deny him the boob for most of the day and he has had to settle for a mixture of cow milk and formula instead. He keeps asking to nurse, and my heart breaks each time I have to say no and offer the bottle instead.

Let's Get this Party Started

Cole's first birthday party was the perfect day. He took 2 morning naps (which never happens!), so he was able to play without getting too cranky from 1 p.m. until 6 p.m., when he finally crashed. Although the weather was quite warm, we still had an amazing time. The pool was open, so most of the young party attendees took an afternoon swim with their parents to cool off. The food was delicious and the cake was out of this world. Keith hired a CIA student to cater the party. No one could stop talking about the cake, which tasted like a really rich and wholesome devil dog. It was devil's food cake with butter cream icing and filling. When it was time for the birthday song, we became a little nervous that all of the people staring and singing to Cole would overwhelm him. We couldn't have been more wrong. (This kid surprises us every day!). It was quite the opposite. He reveled in the love and attention. He looked around at everyone who was singing back to him with such love that it brought me to tears. Then he smiled and clapped. It was such a heartwarming moment for me as his mother.

Below are 16 of the 115 photos we took at the party. Some of the cake shots were taken by Keith's sister, Lauren. Unfortunately, the pictures are not in chronological order, and thanks to Blogger (and my inability to use HTML code), I can't arrange them in order. So here they are completely out of order, but here anyway...

Cole was playing with Juni and Kieran in our living room. That musical table was a hand-me-down gift from Lucas.

Shawn plays around with Cole as he climbs all over his new chair, a gift from Grandpa Bill

Cole shows off his new climbing skills on the new chair.

Great-Grandma Joyce laughs at Cole, who is on the other side of the beach ball.

An adorable angle.

Cole inspects something he pulled from the ground. Most likely grass. 

Mommy gets all emotional.

Cole claps at his loving family and friends.

Cole grabs his first piece of cake, ever.

Cole chows down on the delicious cake.

Two mommies and their baby boys.

Cole laughs while family and friends look on.

Cole plays with his new shovel while holding Sophia's hand.

Juni and Cole.

Amy and Sophia. Talk about growing up! I remember when Sophia was only a few days old. She is a constant reminder that time really does fly, and that I should treasure every waking moment with my baby.