Our First Year in Breastfeeding

So several weeks ago, I wrote a post in my parenting series about breastfeeding. Then blogger had a meltdown, and I accidentally deleted the post. Now I am creating a book based on my blog, and I want to write about breastfeeding again, since it plays such a crucial role in my mothering.

Thankfully, for you dear blog readers, you can read this one, because it's nothing like the original post.
First off, this is what Dr. Sears has to say about breastfeeding, one of the seven Baby B's of Attachment Parenting...

Breastfeeding is an exercise in babyreading. Breastfeeding helps you read your baby's cues, her body language, which is the first step in getting to know your baby. Breastfeeding gives baby and mother a smart start in life. Breastmilk contains unique brain-building nutrients that cannot be manufactured or bought. Breastfeeding promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.

It's amazing how one's perspective on something can change in a few weeks. The original subtitle for this post was: "Another love/hate story."  It was I who - over the past year- sometimes didn't like breastfeeding. And it was Cole who always loved it (and it's the opposite when it comes to babywearing - the other Baby B). I sometimes didn't like breastfeeding for all of the reasons you my dear readers already know:
 -the pain from sore nipples, milk blisters and clogged cuts
 -the inner torment that occurred when trying so hard to keep up my supply
 -the fact that pumping took time away from my work, which then took time away from my son on the weekends
  - the sleep deprivation that resulted in waking up to nurse every 2-3 hours for an entire year

You get the drift.

But all that resentment has now vanished.

When something could possibly be taken away from you, you come to look at it in a new light. You come to realize just how precious it really is.  Having to to cut down on breastfeeding sessions so that Cole will not have an allergic reaction to the medicine I am taking, has made me realize that I could very well be weaning Cole without wanting to. Each time I have to give him a bottle instead of the breast, it hurts my soul. I am not exaggerating. I never realized how much breastfeeding is a part of who I am as a mother. If I stop without being ready, I feel as though I would have to redefine who I am as his mother. I know that sounds crazy, but that final connection between baby and mama would be severed. Maybe my fear is that he would no longer need me, that he could then essentially get his sustenance from anyone, anywhere. Maybe that is what frightens me and what saddens me the most. I'm not sure if other mothers go through this, but I can tell you that dealing with a possible early end has not been easy. But at least - if anything - it has made me appreciate the breastfeeding relationship that we still have, however limited it may be.

I no longer hate pumping. (The only thing I hate doing is dumping my precious milk.) I see pumping as a way to push through this difficult time so that we can get out on the other side mostly unscathed. Pumping will trick my breasts into thinking they are still being used around the clock, so that 2.5 weeks from now, they will be ready to really be used around the clock. I only hope that 2.5 weeks from now that Cole is not more used to getting the bottle than getting my breast.

Cole's doctor said to me yesterday, during our appointment to see what was wrong with Cole this time (it turns out it's a bad cold), that I was a dedicated nurser, always trying to do the right thing for my baby. I was all ready to shoot down his compliment when I realized something important.  He's right.

This is a picture of Cole and I (babywearing AND nursing) during our hike to Duck Pond, October 17, 2010
with Peter and Peg.