Babywearing rocks!

A 2-hour nap in the Beco carrier while Mommy is hands free yet close
to baby: Priceless.

Firsts

Last night, Cole giggled for the first time. It was amazing to hear! He's been smiling socially for the past week or so (before that I think it was gas related), so to hear him giggle made me ecstatic and I laughed right back!

Thinking…

Breastfeeding in Public

So I am caving. I am going to buy a nursing curtain - I mean cover - so I can feel comfortable nursing in public. Yesterday, Keith, Cole and I went out to eat in New Paltz with my dad. After about an hour and a half in the stroller, Cole woke up just as we were enjoying tea (me) and coffee (Keith and Dad) at the Water Street Market. It was time for Cole to eat of course, so off we went looking for a private place to nurse. I was not about to sit in the Gilded Otter parking lot and nurse in the car while they stood by. So we found a nice private bench off the rail trail that faced the Wallkill River and they sat with me while I nursed Cole.  It would have been so much nicer and easier if we could have stayed there and I could have put nursing cover on and just done it discreetly in public. I say discreetly because I just don't feel comfortable whipping out my boob in public. I know that in New York State I can, but I don't want to. And I don't want to have to hide either.

While shopping online for the right nursing cover - the one I found is called- get this- Hooter Hiders - I also found a pumping bra.  These pictures are just two of many hilarious pictures of a woman doing something while pumping. My father and Keith couldn't get over how strange it was to see a woman with bottles of milk coming out of her bra. But I thought - how perfect! While I'm pumping at work (I need to pump during my two free periods) I can actually do things instead of sit there and waste tons of time - my paid time no less. I am picturing myself grading and planning while pumping. The bra got rave reviews, so I'm pretty sure it will be a good fit. Speaking of the reviews - while reading them I came across one where someone said she used it to pump while driving. So my doula's friend is not the only one who does this!

In other news, I found two new mom groups - one in New Paltz and one in Kingston. Both meet at the same time on Tuesday mornings, so I am going to alternate between the two. The one in New Paltz is called New Baby, New Paltz and the one in Kingston is called Club Mom. I'm meeting up with my classmate from our childbirth class this week as well. I am also on the prowl for a babywearing group, since I can't seem to find the right carrier that Cole likes. We got the Beco Carrier, but I don't think Cole likes to be confined in it and the infant insert is pretty confining. He has fallen asleep in it a number of times and I'll keep putting him in it just to get him used to it, but, overall, I think he will like the Beco once he gains more weight and doesn't need the infant insert. I also have the Wrapsody and Cole will sit in it but will whine until he falls asleep. I've read in a few places that slings are actually better for infants because they can be in a semi-reclining position and not as upright as the soft structured carrier (the Beco). However, slings go over one shoulder and I have too many shoulder problems to speak of so I need to figure out how to get Cole in a comfortable position in the Wrapsody. There is a Babywearing "bonanza" at Waddle and Swaddle on Thursday, and I might go to that to get some more tips for different positions using the Wrapsody.

Today, on Cole's one-month birthday we took him to Middle Grey Studio for the first time for some baby photos. He was amazingly quiet and mostly happy during the photo shoot. I think it's because of the new space we introduced him to. There were lots of black and white colors in the studio, which meant a lot for him to look at. Keith will also be posting a bunch on his blog so I'll link up to that once he posts them. In the meantime, here is a picture Keith took of Cole on our couch. Look at those long limbs!

4 week stats

Here's what we learned at Cole's 4 week check-up:

He's now 9 pounds 6 ounces, 21.5 inches long and his head is 14 inches in diameter. (Here's the link to his original birth weight and height for comparison's sake). He even did a push up for the doctor on the examining table to show off his pecks!

Next monthly check-up: immunizations. Eeeww - not looking forward to watching a needle cause my son pain. Planning on doing research on the vaccinations just so I know what he's getting. I'm not going to avoid the immunizations (I know they are necessary) but I may ask the doctor to space them out. Three vaccinations in one is a lot. I also hate that the autism/mercury link is still being debated. Can't they just decide already, so I'm not a nervous wreck? Also, can anyone recommend a good book to learn about the different vaccinations? I've already ordered two from the library, but I could always use more suggestions. Not sure of the authors' biases or agenda until I've actually seen the books.

In other news, we've discovered that Cole loves looking at pictures of us. I read in Prenatal Parenting that the baby should look at pictures of you and other loved ones so he can get to know faces. Anyway, I put two pictures in his car seat, two in his crib and one by his changing table. Then at Johanna's recommendation, I drew some shapes on different pieces of paper so he could look at those while on the changing table, in the crib or being fed at my breastfeeding station. (Hoping that will calm down his screaming during diaper changes. So far he hasn't looked that way yet. Too busy looking at me or closing his eyes to scream bloody murder.)  But when he's not on the diaper changing table, he really is much more alert, looking at things and people for longer periods of time. It's amazing to watch him grow! He's also starting, slowly, but surely, to outgrow his newborn clothes.  Those of you who haven't seen him yet, you've gotta come visit or else you're going to miss his teeny weeny stage! Alright, you can just check back here for pictures, but it's never the same. He's simply adorable in person.

Birth announcement

Our little family made it into the PoJo! This is courtesy of Keith's
co-worker who noticed it and saved it for us. It was published on June
14.

Poopsicles

You know you've become a parent when you discuss what type of diaper your son last had (poopie or pee diaper?) and when said discussion occurs at the dinner table. Tonight Keith helped Cole push out a poop! (Not during dinner though, don't worry). He called me over to then hear the digestion going on in Cole's belly, post poop. He's so tiny that you could actually hear things moving in his intestines.Then while Keith was talking to Cole about the poop he just took he asked him if he had any "poopsicles" in his diaper. Keith wants copyright for coining the term, but I'm the one with the blog, so...

Cole's fart and poop cycles are nothing new. But they are an endless source of amusement and conversation. I've actually been privy to Cole's farts while changing his diaper or when he's asleep (his legs usually go up in the air) and it is adorable and hilarious at the same time!

In other news -- Cole is totally trying to hold his head up. He can hold it up for maybe 5-10 seconds before it flops down again. He's also really curious and tries to look around when he is sitting on one of our chests. Keith had him on his chest just before and you could see Cole wishing he could crawl over to get a closer look at whatever he was focused on - the arm of the sofa perhaps?

Losing his hair

I just realized the underlying cause of Cole's colicky episodes: male pattern baldness! Here he is in my lap on Tuesday morning. With his bald spot. See? This is definitely a cause that Dr. Sears should consider in a future edition of The Baby Book.

4 Weeks Strong!

Cole is 4 weeks strong today. I say "strong" because he gets stronger by the day using his legs to kick and his arms to push and pull. He kicks Daddy in the ribs and Mommy in the boobs! He has some set of muscles on him that one. He's also slowly losing the red-brown hair he was born with, so that he looks like an old man with a hugely receding hair line. I said to myself the other day- is this what he'll look like when he's 50 or 60?
His eyebrows are growing in more and they are growing in completely blond. His eyelashes are also blondish. I also noticed today that he appears to be growing little blond hairs in the bald spot where the red-brown hair once was. It could be peach fuzz, but I strongly suspect blond hair in the making. It's very strange to imagine my son having blond hair  (mainly because I come from a long line of brown-black haired people)- but he's got blue eyes - so what's some blond hair to match?

Passed out

After a successful burping session, Cole passed out on my shoulder.
That's my reading stand in the background- very convenient while
breastfeeding.

No control

The funniest thing to watch besides an alert Cole making 20 different faces a minute is a sleeping Cole with no control of his limbs. When he is asleep his arms flail about aimlessly. Sometimes they both raise up in the air. He then wakes up, looks around and closes his eyes again. Sometimes one arm goes up by itself, giving the appearance of a salute. However, it's not as funny when he is awake because he generally tends to hurt himself more. The worst is when he is crying and he whacks himself in the face with his hand, causing his cries to grow more shrill and his face to get even more red - to the point of looking a little purple. Speaking of a purple face, Johanna taught me a little trick Monday. She taught me to blow in Cole's face lightly when he holds his breath during one of his crying spells. This usually occurs when I am changing his diaper. Did I already mention how changing Cole's diaper causes him to scream BLOODY MURDER??? I think I have, but I thought I'd mention it again.  This screaming makes changing his diaper 10 times more stressful than it should be. Once in a while though, Cole surprises us and just looks around quietly, even cooing a bit, while we happily change the diaper, exclaiming all the while that we're so glad he pooped or peed. Sometimes he even smiles, as if to say "Aaahh, a clean diaper. Thanks mom/dad for cleaning off that gross watery poop."

Although the perk of breastfeeding is that Cole's poop does not smell like shit, that is not to say it doesn't smell. Keith says it smells like sour Cheerios and he says he'll never be able to look at a bowl of Cheerios the same way again, nor will he even consider eating it. Whatever the smell, it is usually very watery, a bit seedy, and either yellow or green. Only every once in a while does he push out a little turdlet. And the turdlet usually resembles a pea. I look at it and think, funny, I don't remember eating peas for dinner last night.....

Growth spurts

As I said on my Facebook page -- I feel like the 7-Eleven with a sale on the Big Gulp. All Cole wants to do for the past few days is eat. And if he's not eating he's crying because he wants to eat and if he's not crying he's sleeping or burping or getting his diaper changed while he screams bloody murder. Bloody murder mom, bloody murder! I'm not complaining, I'm just stating the facts. Such is the life of a newborn. Tomorrow Cole will be 4 weeks old. He has gotten bigger. Grandma Carolyn came over yesterday and attested to this fact.  If I haven't been able to really see it since I see him all the time, I have noticed it when I hold him and pick him up. He's gotten heavier and even a bit longer. We shall see when they weigh and measure him at his 4 week check-up on Friday. All I know is that I hope this growth spurt doesn't last much longer because feeding him every hour or hour and a half can be quite draining. It started Sunday afternoon and has been going strong ever since.

I spoke to my doula today and she stressed the importance of burping Cole. She thinks that the root of the gassy problems he has is that he is not burping after every meal. I do burp him successfully about half of the time, but give up after a few minutes when nothing comes out the other half. I also sometimes just plain forget. She said I should stay on it - even if it takes 15 minutes.  Also, I do not always burp him in the middle of the night after he's had the second breast because he falls asleep at my breast, and, maybe it's just us, but we like him to stay asleep. That means we can sleep.

Cole's new thing while breastfeeding is also worthy of a blurb in this post. He is now Mr. Squirmer and Mr. Puller. He squirms and grunts and moans and groans while nursing and then out of nowhere he'll pull of my breast, forgetting to release the suction so that I am convinced the next time he does this I will be left with an elongated nipple. Johanna, my doula, says this is a boy thing. I read online, however, that this tends to happen with the growth spurts. So maybe this too shall pass.

Keith did something with Cole the other day that he was particularly proud of - he helped Cole fart. His words exactly: "I helped Cole push out a fart." I think he did this by massaging his tummy, a technique we learned in The Baby Book. He plans on telling Cole when he is about 13, just to embarrass him, but really to show him how much he loves him. This is a picture of Cole Monday night while Keith was holding him and helping to relieve some of the gas. We call this "Buddha Cole." How cute are those little feet?

That "liquid gold"

So I may not be able to see how much milk Cole is getting while he nurses but judging by his significant weight gain, I know he is getting enough. Cole weighs 8 lbs and 10 oz. I think he's been gaining a half a pound a week, give or take an ounce or two.  I've been going to a breastfeeding support group (aka mommy group) at Kingston Hospital and each time I've gone there the nurse who runs it weighs him. He just keeps growing. And it thrills me to death to know that it's my milk that is helping him to grow. My body helped him grow into a human being and now it is helping him grow as a human being. Today and yesterday he's also been going through a growth spurt because he's been feeding what feels like non-stop - sometimes every hour or hour and a half. It can get exhausting but I know it's not going to last longer than another day or so.

Today my doula also came over to show me how to pump. I've been too frazzled to try to figure it out myself so when she offered I jumped at the chance. I easily and quickly pumped out almost 2 oz of milk and for the first time was able to see what it probably looks like inside Cole's mouth. Pumping is a strange sensation, and it's equally strange to watch your nipples move up and down from mechanical suctioning.

Last week I also officially requested a "private location" with an electric outlet to pump during school hours. Because I'll be working between two buildings I had to make the request of two principals. I also had to make it clear that I need to do it more than once (the HR person mistakenly thought I would only need to pump once) and at separate times of the day. I hope they don't shove me in some closet somewhere, because, to be honest, both schools are so overcrowded, I'm not sure how they're going to find an empty private room for me to use.

My doula shared with me a story about a woman who she knows who commutes to work and because she hates to waste time, pumps on her way to work. Yes, that's right, she pumps while driving. I briefly considered this because I have an almost hour long commute to work each morning. However, you are supposed to be relaxed while pumping and I am rarely relaxed while driving. Not to mention the hazard I would become on the road if I had something suctioning at my breasts while I'm trying to merge onto the bridge. It just doesn't seem like the smartest thing in the world to do.

So end result of today: a satisfied baby who ate and slept most of the day away and a bottle of "liquid gold" in our fridge. When Cole turns 4 weeks this week (yes he's going to be a month old - can you believe it??!!) his daddy will feed him for the very first time.

His first Father's Day

This is the first father's day in a long time that I didn't spend with my dad. ( It wasn't on purpose, it just worked out that way.) Today I spent it with my husband - who is now a father. And he's not just any father. He's a great father. When he's fathering our son, he's patient, loving, thoughtful, and funny. He's always willing to try new things and always willing to share the work of parenting. Tomorrow he goes back to work and I will surely miss him.  I will, however, treasure the past 5 weeks we've spent together and with our new baby.

I feel so blessed to have begun the journey of parenthood with such a good man. Our baby may be colicky, but he's healthy and he's here. Finally here. I am happy and thankful for that. And I have to remember that when he is in the throes of a giant fit that could simultaneously break my heart and glass.

The two pictures I have posted here are two wonderful ways Keith interacts with Cole. When Cole is hysterical crying Keith often "neck nurses" him.  That is the above picture.  This is a term Dr. Sears uses but it's something Keith just discovered on his own. Cole usually falls asleep when Keith does this. The picture to the right is when Keith plays with Cole to either calm him down or keep him entertained. Keith will repeatedly touch his nose to Cole's and say "Bink!" and Cole will watch Keith, wide eyed. It is so precious to watch this father and son interaction.

Happy Father's Day honey! I love you.

Colicky Cole

It could be worse. He could have something really wrong with him. At least this is something that he will outgrow.

The crying started about a week and a half into his little life, and it just seemed to be getting worse, day by day and night by night. Finally, hoping for a miracle cure we took him to his doctor who told us that, unfortunately, there was nothing we could do but grin and bear it. Dance the dance. Whisper sweet nothings into his ear. It was there - the undeniable fact that Cole has colic. I have to admit, that I cried  when I heard this news. I was hoping for a prescription that would make his pain (as well as the cries) simply disappear. But that was not in the cards for us. This is definitely a true test of our parenting skills - we have to maintain sanity, patience and love while functioning on very little sleep most of the time. Some days are better than others and some nights are far worse than others. Luckily, Keith and I haven't done more than snap at each other during those stress laden nights when there seems to be no end to the screaming or the wailing. I remember first hearing his cry the night he was born and commenting on how cute it was. Now, it hurts both Keith and I to hear it, especially when we know he's in pain from all of the gas he has stored in his little tummy.

Slowly but surely we're learning what to do to calm him down and how to pass him off if what we are trying is just not working. However, Sunday night will mark the first night that Keith will not be able to help me throughout the night because he returns to work on Monday. It has been wonderful having him right there beside me these past five weeks - especially the past three.  (Yes! Cole is now 3 weeks old!). I will miss spending time with him during the week days.

One of the rewards of all of this is that Cole is starting to "coo."  I love when he does this. I feel so honored to be cooed at. He is also smiling, and he's more alert -  he tries to hold his head up and look around. Sometimes if we've got him against our chest in a sort of neck nestle he does what appear to be push-ups. We've also been able to read him a little bit better each day so that we can figure out what ails him.

My favorite part of being a mother

When Cole sleeps on me like this, all is right with the world. I
couldn't help but smile when Keith took this picture with my phone. I
know it's kind of blurry, but I liked it the best because it showed
how happy I was and how content Cole looked.

Breastfeeding: Journeying On

Breastfeeding has not been an easy feat for me. It started out to be toe-curlingly painful. When Cole breastfed it felt like he was biting my nipple really hard instead of merely sucking it. Did I mention that Cole came out of me an expert sucker? Yeah. He does not suffer from a weak sucking reflex - that's for sure. The nurses at the birth center nicknamed him Hoover (like the vacuum). About a week into breastfeeding, I learned by going to a maternity store that the problem was not my son's powerful sucking ability, but it was the pillow I was using. How weird is that?

Keith and I went to Waddle and Swaddle in Poughkeepsie to buy a carrier for Cole. While there, I happened to mention to the saleswoman that my back was killing me from hunching over while breastfeeding. She asked me what kind of pillow I used. I told her the Boppy Pillow, which was a shower gift and something I registered for. She then introduced me to My Brest Friend, the world's best breastfeeding pillow ever. Turns out, the Boppy doesn't keep the baby level with my breasts so he was actually pulling at my nipples and that's why they were so damned sore (and had also started to crack). I tested the new pillow in the store and sure enough I felt hardly any pain! It was amazing and I was sold. Forget the carrier- I left there with a new breastfeeding pillow. And Joann, if you are reading this, I still use the Boppy, just not for breastfeeding.

This week I friended Waddle and Swaddle on Facebook and they shared this article about breastfeeding in public. It got me thinking about how I have lost most of my modesty since giving birth. Here are a few examples: Keith and I shared the birth pictures with some friends and family and there were lots of nipple shots and one vagina shot and I couldn't have cared less. (My father on the other hand, covered his face and that made me laugh). I also whip out my nipple to breastfeed to whoever is standing in front of me and I don't care. The other morning, Peter came by to drop something off and Keith came in and asked if Peter could come in to say hi. I said, "Sure, but he may see a nipple so he should be forewarned." Needless to say, he didn't come in to say hi. 

But back to breastfeeding in public. I've written about it before in my pregnancy blog. I wrote about how I wasn't sure if I should get one of those cover ups. I've since decided not to, but I have used a small blanket. And I have not yet had the need to breastfeed anywhere but our house, our car, the doctor's office, and the maternity store I mentioned above. Those are innocuous places and so I have not yet gone up against ignorant people like the ones mentioned in the article who behave as if breastfeeding in public is a sinful act that must be kept hidden from the public, especially children.

Now that breastfeeding is not as painful, I realize how beneficial it is, not only for Cole, but for me as well. I can look at him, talk to him, connect with him in ways that I wouldn't do if I were not breastfeeding. With that said, I have to admit that I do not enjoy it as other mothers do or the way the  La Leche League claims we as mothers naturally should.  (I'm reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, a text published by the LLL). What I do enjoy is that my milk is so nourishing and my body so soothing that Cole almost always falls asleep in

the folds of my breast. This picture is from the hospital. Gazing down at my son while he sleeps on me is the purest form of entertainment.

An end to the endless crying...

Could it be that this whole time all he needed was a pair of socks to
warm his feet???? I know I get cranky when my feet are cold but not
THAT cranky.

Asleep in my arms

Mother Clem

From the minute we brought Cole home we noticed a distinct change in Clem and Kiwi. Kiwi became jealous and threatened. After all, she would no longer be the center of our world. Clem, however, was overjoyed. She was so happy you could literally see the smile on her feline face. She instantly became Cole's protector and was all about getting to know Cole. We've nicknamed her Mother Clem. Here she is, guarding the breastfeeding station and keeping us company at the same time. That pillow was, after all, placed there for her.

Kiwi has come around. As far as attention goes, she takes what she can get. In fact, last night, on the night of Cole's two-week birthday, she sat on another chair in the nursery and kept Cole and I company as he nursed.

His name

Picking his name was not easy. After I gave birth, the nurses wanted to know his name right away. We responded with "We don't know yet." And for the next several hours, our nurse, Bridget, joked that his name was "We don't know yet Ferris." When I looked at him, he just didn't look like an Asher or a Mason. And those were my top picks! Although Cole was my last choice, it was Keith's first. What was weird was that I thought of Cole as a name for a more serious person and when I looked at Cole, that's who I saw. He had the serious look that I get when I'm thinking, or confused or frustrated. So around 3 a.m., I said to Keith, "I think we should name him Cole." And he said, "Really?" It was so sweet. Although it was not my first choice, I know now how perfectly it fits with him and with our family.

His middle name is after my father, Joe. As you know from my my post about motherhood on my pregnancy blog, my father raised me since I was three. So, I thought it would be nice to honor that and pay tribute to my father by giving his name to my son. I've always thought middle names are just as important as first names. It's funny because both Keith and I have middle names after our grandparents. His middle name is William, for his father's father (and his father) and my middle name is Jean, for my mother's mother. My mother's middle name is also Jean. And ironically enough, my mother-in-law's middle name is also Jean! Cole's middle name is not only his grandfather's but also his great-grandfather's name.

So when the nurse asked us the following morning if we had decided on a name, I said proudly, "Cole Joseph" and explained to her that his middle name was after my father, who was standing there with a huge smile on his face!

Two weeks young

Last night, Cole turned two weeks young. I can't even use the words "old" and "Cole" in the same sentence. He's a newborn for crying out loud. He's so young, he still has wrinkles from the womb. To honor the occasion of his two-week old birthday, he wailed inexplicably when he woke up shortly before midnight and again at 5 a.m. Both times were after his feedings. This wailing, which was once reserved only for diaper changes, can really rattle even the most loving, determined parent. In order to calm the wailing down to at least a whimper, we purchased a Fisher Price Cradle n Swing. We knew from experience that swinging Cole calms him down. However, our arms and backs can only do so much for so long. We were forced to purchase this mechanical aid for peace of mind. And it does truly work.  However, when we put him in it, I feel terrible because my baby is in this contraption for comfort that I just can't always give him. I want to, desperately, but sometimes, it's not possible to calm him down - at least not for very long.

When Cole is awake and alert, however, he is amazing to look at and talk to. He watches me and seems to react on a small level to what I say to him. I feel blessed to have that time with him.

The first post of my new blog

In this blog, I'll be posting long and short vignettes, stories, or posts- whatever you want to call them. I'll also post pictures of the Ferris Family, especially of Cole as he grows up.

There may be some changes as time goes on, but this is the new blog. Welcome! I hope you'll come back time and again to read me.

Cole's Birth Story

This has been one amazing journey, and I realize now how worth it everything was. I have a healthy and beautiful baby boy.  I couldn't ask for anything more. Thank you all for following me on this wonderful journey through pregnancy and early motherhood. My next and last post (either today or tomorrow) will be a link to my new blog.

In the meantime, here's Cole's birth story....

If you recall, I posted here on Tuesday the update that my cervix was making progress toward real labor. What I didn't write was that my back contractions started that day as well. I was really excited but I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up, lest they stop and it all be a false alarm. They slowed down at night but got back up again in the morning on Wednesday. Keith and I went for a walk and sure enough they became stronger, but not regular by any means. That night, Peter and Peg came to hang out with us and share some laughs. I had lots of contractions while they were there, but nothing too severe that I couldn't focus. Later after they left, things started to speed up and my contractions began to be closer together. I tried timing them but realized they were not yet regular. But I wanted to pay close attention to them because I really started to believe I was in early labor. That meant, I didn't want to sleep. So I called my doula, Johanna, and told her the news. She said if I could sleep through the contractions I really should. Because who knew when I would go into active labor. I agreed and was able to sleep about 3-4 hours. Thank God I did! The next morning I woke up around 4:30 and began to track my contractions again. They began to be regular and closer together. By the time Johanna came my contractions were more than a minute long and about 3-4 minutes apart.  Also, my mucous plhad come out and the contractions were getting stronger. I began to shake and because of that I suspected I was in transition (which would have meant I was close to 7 or 8 cm).

We called the doctor's office and headed there since the birth center was packed. On the way i got really emotional because i started to realize how close i was to meeting my baby. It was a good thing too, because to my HUGE disappointment I was barely 2 cm. Not only that but the triage nurse gave me more bad news (which I think was totally wrong about)  - that I was only 75% effaced and my cervix was posterior. This would have meant that my cervix regressed in two days, which I highly doubted. I cried because just when I thought things were opening up, they were barely moving. We decided to leave the doctor's office, get something to eat and go home.

I labored at home for the rest of the morning and afternoon, resting on the couch, breathing through the contractions, and eventually taking a nap. Around 4 p.m. I ate something and then took a shower. When I got out of the shower, everything changed. I began having regular, strong contractions. Johanna came back over around 6:30 p.m. and by that point I had been using my relaxation techniques so that I was able to breathe through the pain. Keith was a great coach too because he pushed me to breathe through the contractions and every time he noticed the contractions spacing apart he'd make me get up and change positions, which always brought things back to normal. I had a little bit of dinner around 5 p.m. but by 8 p.m. I was starving. I begged Keith to send Johanna out to get my chicken fried rice because I didn't want him to leave me, but I was so famished and that is what I was craving. Luckily, she didn't leave right away. Just before she was going to leave I had a tremendous contraction that ended up breaking my water. I remember thinking that the baby had moved and then suddenly I realized there was something leaking out of me. "I'm leaking!" I shouted. "Your water broke!" she responded. So it was the water bursting inside of me that I felt and not the baby's movement. That's when the contractions started to get much stronger and more intense and closer together. That's when Johanna said "Forget the chicken fried rice - we've got to get to the birth center."

Off we went at about 70 mph. I breathed through the contractions on the way there, laying across the back seat with a towel and two pillows. Keith called the emergency line and talked briefly to Margi, the midwife who had examined me on Tuesday, before we lost the signal. I was excited that she was on call. Once we got to the birth center and I got out of the CRV, my contractions had gotten much stronger and were probably about 2 minutes apart. Needless to say, I was in so much pain that I didn't care that I walked barefoot into the birth center at around 9 p.m. "Barefoot and pregnant," Johanna joked.  As soon as we got a labor room (which was pretty much right away) I requested the use of the birthing tub. I didn't want to give birth in it, but I did want the pain relief the hot water would provide. Unfortunately, I had to be monitored for 20 minutes before I could do anything. Before monitoring me an older nurse (who I recognized from my pre-term labor experience there) checked my cervix. With her hand still inside my vagina she said excitedly "Awesome!" And Johanna said, "How awesome?" To which the nurse responded, "7 centimeters." I smiled despite the pain. I was almost there! There was no turning back and very little chance of any intervention now. Somehow I made it through the next 20 minutes without wringing the younger nurse's neck who insisted I be monitored. I know it's part of her job, and she did let me lie on my side, but it was killing me to lie there!

After that I began to progress pretty quickly and we soon realized that I was beyond the birthing tub.  Instead I went into the shower and as soon as that hot water hit my back the urge to push took over as did the pain. Everything after that was a blur. I remember arguing with everyone that I knew it was time to push and they shouldn't stop me. I remember being checked a second (8cm) and third time (almost fully dilated), and I remember begging Margi to let me push and her responding with "Breathe the baby down." Keith told me later that when Margi first arrived she kissed me on the forehead and sat with me, helping me to calm down. I remember none of that. I remember being able to breathe down the baby a bit, but only when I wasn't busy being petrified of the pain that I felt or knew I would feel once I started pushing. I also remember doubting myself completely. I remember thinking and saying "How did I think I could do this naturally?" But I did do it. I did.

Finally, Margi gave me the go-ahead to push and I remember being afraid I'd poop too. Because this is what it feels like to push: it feels like you have to push, vomit, and poop all at the same time. It's like I was going inside out - the strangest feeling.  During the pushing I was trying hard to breathe abdominally so that Cole got enough oxygen, but I must not have been doing a good enough job because I was hyperventilating and they had to give me oxygen and move me to my left side once his heart rate dipped a little bit. That was when he was headed down the birth canal. Then I remember Margi telling me that I had to push as hard as I could to get the baby's head out or else she'd need to do an episiotomy because of his dipping heart rate. Of course, she knew that in my birth plan I did not want one, so with all of my might I pushed his little head out. And guess what came with his head? His little left hand and arm! That's why he was probably a bit stuck in the birth canal, and that hand is what I had been feeling in my groin for about a month. Keith helped to catch the baby and when he looked at me afterwards he had tears in his eyes! It was 10:56 p.m.

In all, I pushed for about a half hour, and ended up tearing naturally (a first degree tear with three stitches) and, of course, Bob's girlfriend Martha moved in much to my chagrin. She didn't even bother to sign a lease.  Keith cut the cord after they let it finish pulsing and I pulled Cole up to my chest. I couldn't believe this little person had been inside of me! I couldn't believe I pushed him out of me! It was amazing and surreal.  Cole began breastfeeding my right breast soon after, and I marveled that we finally had our baby. All of what we had been through led us here.

All dressed in blue

Here's our cutie in the crib. The monogrammed blanket was a gift from
the president of the college Keith works at.

Milk drunk

Cole after a breastfeeding session. We call this his milk drunk phase.
Here he's cuddled up with the beautiful blanket Awilda crocheted.

Drifting off

2 am: Trying to help Cole drift off into deep sleep. This is one of
the many faces he makes while getting there.
Please excuse my messy clothes in the background.

Sleepy time?

Not for this little cutie pie....

Nap time

Swaddled

A baby burrito!