Today

"Mama? Why are you sad?" Cole asked me this afternoon several hours after we returned from the birth center. This little boy. You can't get anything past him, he's so smart and intuitive. I'm sure it doesn't help that I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time.

I didn't tell him, mostly because I knew that if I mentioned anything about the baby I'd start to cry again. So instead I suggested we go into the living room and make some bookmarks. We had fun until he started rubbing a stamp and the purple glue stick all over his little white toddler table. No big deal though. Worse things could happen.

Today, what made me sad was this: the external version did not work at all. She would not turn around. At all. The doctor practically picked her body up out of my pelvis, astounding Dada that there really is a person inside of there (even with a second one the life that we created still seems like such a miracle). I kept my eyes shut the whole time, only concentrating on my breath. It was painful in some spots, uncomfortable in others, so deep breathing when all I wanted to do was hold my breath, was how I got through the few minutes he tried.

Afterwards, we felt like there was no other recourse, especially since the doctor said we should not try for a third attempt (he tried twice), because she obviously didn't want to move.  He didn't try to convince us to do anything but go get a good breakfast. But we knew the next logical step would be to  plan a Cesarean instead of waiting for an emergency one to rear its ugly head. The last place we wanted to find ourselves was in labor with an unskilled midwife or doctor. So we scheduled a C-section for Jan. 24 with the same doctor who attempted to turn the baby. He treats Cesarean births like births and not just a standard surgery. Dada liked him immediately, and, although I had my issues with him earlier in the pregnancy, I knew he was the right one for Baby Girl's birth. He's older, but with a youthful energy you don't see in most doctors. We're also keeping our doula, because you never know. She may turn, yet. I still hold onto that small glimmer of hope. And having never had a Cesarean before, I'm sure her support and knowledge will be invaluable.

And then guess what? After dinner tonight, the office manager for a doctor who delivers breech babies returned my call from last week. If all goes well with our follow up growth ultrasound on Wednesday we will have a consult with him on Monday.

I know I've said before that Keith and I weren't comfortable with a breech vaginal birth, but I've since reconsidered. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and researching. In the past week, as a result of a post I wrote (on a private Facebook support group I belong to) and the subsequent comments I received, I started to look into it a bit more. I've talked to people both online and via telephone. Breech vaginal births are not unheard of, the doctors who will deliver breech babies vaginally are few and far between. The more I talk to people the more I realize that if the conditions are right, it is a possibility. But those conditions have to be right. Dada and I just have to be comfortable with it, and so does the doctor.

So we shall see how it goes.

It's crazy how much of an emotional (and physical) roller coaster I've been on this past week and a half. I can't imagine still teaching. So thankful for bed rest.