Today we face another hurdle that we will overcome no matter its outcome. Today we find out how Baby Girl is growing. Two weeks ago, we went in and were told she had dropped down to the 16th percentile in terms of growth. Today, I know things will be okay. My belly has gotten larger, and I can feel inside my uterus that she is taking up more space. All my bets are on the contraction medication being the culprit. Even though we don't plan on a #3, if we ever did by accident here's what I'd do: bed rest and no medication because medication for an irritable uterus is just pointless. Really, all you need is rest and hydration. Ah, hindsight. And to think it took me two hellish pregnancies to figure this out.
I was awake at my usual time this morning (3:30 to 5 a.m.) and reading a few bloggers new year's resolutions. I realized something about myself that I'm sure I've written about before - negative thinking is my forte and my biggest obstacle. I've been allowing myself to engage in negative thinking as of late, and, as a result, not much is going the way I want it to go. Why? Because I keep imagining the worst case scenario as being the reality. Some part of my subconscious thinks I need to mentally prepare myself for it in case that's what the outcome is. It's the biggest fault of my bloodline. We are a family of worry worts. Always focusing on what bad things might happen instead of the good things we want to happen.
My main focus as of late is that I'm petrified of a C-section, so I keep imagining it happening and then, you guessed it, baby doesn't turn and that's the logical next step if I don't go for a vaginal breech birth. Was the doctor's call on Monday night a coincidence? I don't think so. I think it was a sign that not everything has to be one way. Our fate is not pre-determined, but we determine our fate. It really depends on what you believe drives humanity.
Of course as my due date nears (a little more than 2 weeks), since breech births are not commonplace in this country, I am left imagining the worst case scenario. Yet, two weeks ago, when I started researching this, I was imagining the best possible outcome (a healthy breech baby born vaginally), and support from all directions was falling at my feet. Now that I'm so close, I'm thinking negatively, and I know how that goes.
Well, no more. I usually don't make such grand new year's resolutions, but I know this is something I need to change in order for me to live a more peaceful and contented life. This is something I must do in order to get through the next few weeks and come out with a healthy baby and a positive birth experience.
I hereby resolve to think positively.
My positive thoughts for today:
My baby will turn when she's ready.
My baby is growing well.
My doula has offered to come over and go through a little hypnosis session in which I imagine the baby turning. I've been doing this here and there on my own, but I need to focus all of my energy and not just imagine it randomly in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. I have a feeling it will work.
I'm going to give you some tough love here, because you were there for me all of those months when I endured hell. While a C-section isn't what you want, it is NOT the worst case scenario. I think it was you who reminded me that a healthy baby and mom are the desired outcomes of a birth. With that in mind, a c-section gives you that (even more so if done in a calculated fashion where risk is controlled).
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I understand how it is to have things go completely differently than expected or wanted. I'm sad that you've been sad, that you're going through this. I would change it for you if I could. But I wanted to lovingly remind you of this: even your perceived worst-case is not as bad as it seems. Maybe it is my hope that your thinking of it a little differently will make it easier for you to remain positive for that precious little girl.
Hugs, B. You can do this. You can do anything.
Thank you Andrea. It's nice to be reminded of advice/words of wisdom I've given to people in the past in similar situations. So often, we forget that we ourselves are wise and our own advice given to others can go a long way with ourselves.
DeleteI think it's great that you're exploring your options and being conscious of your thought process. I am not the most positive thinker and so I totally get how challenging it can be to see things glass half full and not think of the worst case scenario. That being said, I just have a really good feeling that you're going to come to peace with your potential birth experience and the decisions you make. Having a doula is fantastic and I'm glad you have that support. Will you continue with her for a period after the birth? My doula was an incredible support after Kale's birth - particularly when it came to coming to terms with my birth experience (which was a great birth experience - but I was still like, "holy shit, what just happened?! afterward).
ReplyDeleteThanks Randalin. I agree that whatever decision we make from here on in, we will be okay with, because we wouldn't have felt we were forced into anything.
DeleteMy doula also includes several post partum visits. I remember with Cole that she came back a bunch of times to talk about the birth, to share pictures, to help with breastfeeding and pumping, etc.