Parenting of Two. Volume 4: Routines

This is the fourth post in a series about the struggles we as a couple face parenting two children. The issues and topics can also be applied to parents of one child, but the struggles just become amplified when you have two. (We compare parenting one child to the calm before the storm. Because parenting two children often feels chaotic and scary. ) As parents we have so many struggles both internally and externally, and we thought it valuable to share them. Each post in the series will revolve around a single issue or topic, which I will talk about in the various contexts of our family life. First topic was on Time. The second topic was on Space. Last topic was on Sleep. Next topic will be on "Embracing the Crazy."

When almost half a year has gone by, it was pretty interesting to read this post that had been sitting in draft mode since August....

I read and hear often how important routines are for children. I'm sure you all have. Even those of you without small children of your own. Your routines may be so ingrained that it feels like a shock when something different happens. Maybe it shakes your sense of security. You feel naked, alone. Maybe I'm being extreme, but I know that when we don't have a set routine for something or when something doesn't go according to The Plan, our children let us know how upset they are.

Our every day routines are about to get uprooted. Where I didn't even realize we had routines, we have them. Our morning and afternoon routines will change once I return to work next week. One morning this week, while hugging/carrying Cole into the bathroom upon wake up, I reminded him that Mommy wasn't going to be able to do this as much because I will be going back to work. To which he responded a small, sad,  "I know." It made my heart splinter. He's growing up so quickly. Understanding so much more than I give him credit for. Whereas, earlier this summer he may have started to cry or have an all-out meltdown at those words, that morning, he sadly understood.

Routines with two children can be hugely helpful, but if you deviate from those routines, it can put a gigantic wrench in things.

Exhibit A: Every morning, if Bevin is not already awake in the living area, if Cole is even remotely tired, if the wind hits the house a certain way (you get the picture), the one parent who did NOT wake with Cole is going to receive Holy Hell from Cole when they come into the living area, simply because that other parent did not bond with him first. He also yells at Bevin to go back to sleep. He even tried to hit her one recent morning to get her to "go away." It's absolutely insane and we've tried everything to break this routine, so that it doesn't end with someone hurt, but in the end, I think it just requires time for him to grow out of, like he has so many other bad behaviors.

Exhibit B: Cole's bed time routine has been going strong since he was like 6 weeks old. And this is great. Because he knows and fully understands and feels safe by the sequence of events. This does not mean he doesn't try to rebel against the parts of this sequence he doesn't jive with.  Dinnertime is almost always a source of tension for him and meltdowns sometimes feel like a way of life around this hour because it is so ingrained in him that bedtime inevitably follows bath, which follows dinner. He forgets that he can play in between dinner and bathtime and gets so focused on what's going to happen after the bath - that he just freaks out a little each time dinner is mentioned. "Dinner? I don't WANT to eat dinner! No!!"

After his books, Cole is sometimes known to fight sleep. When he does, which, thankfully, is not often, it is almost always because I let him take too long of a nap in the car or because he is super excited about upcoming events ("What are we doing tomorrow mommy? And the day after that? And the day after that?") or some combination of the two. I should just make his upcoming life seem as boring as possible and spring on him the fun things we are going to do on the very day I plan for us to do them. Seriously, that might solve a lot of our problems!

Okay, so enter the OTHER CHILD in this equation of bedtime routine: dinner+play+bath+books= sleep. How do you incorporate this other child when the other parent is working? I've gotten the first four down, but the end result is not working for me. Yet.

Because we're going with baby led weaning, she eats dinner with us, no real special preparation required. She plays with Cole, or nurses some more during his playtime. Now that she can sit up on her own (with my assistance in the tub) she can take a bath with him. She loves every minute of it and can sometimes be seen just staring lovingly at him, even if he's splashing her or yanking a toy from her hand or bopping one into her nose. It's wonderful to watch (the part where she loves him). It starts to get a little hairy after this because slowly but surely I've been shifting this series of routines to more readily include her rather than just have her be a bystander. After the bath, I diaper her and put her jammies on, meet Cole in his room, help him into his jammies, because if I don't help him, he'd be putting on a comedy show of "what fits where?" all night long. He once put a sock on his penis (thankyouverymuchRedHotChilliPeppers!) Then I get them both onto the recliner, and Cole squeezes into a little spot to the right of me while Bevin sits on my left leg, nestled underneath my left boob. Next we read three stories, although Cole is in constant negotiations with me to read one more book. Sometimes I have to dance Bevin around because, at this point, she's getting fussier and more tired by the minute. Then, Cole turns the pages and I try to read like I'm enjoying it. The problem, folks, is that she's ready for actual sleep (forget the damn dog and pony show, people - just get me to bed!) at the same time that he's still gearing up for the idea of being in bed for the night. This is the question I've been struggling to find an answer to for months:

How do I get them to sleep simultaneously when they sleep in different rooms?

Well, Cole thinks he has the answer. Lately, he's been telling me to get the bunk bed already and go to sleep with Bevin in the bottom bunk while he sleeps in the top. It's a nice idea, but I just want my own bed. And I want Bevin to have her own bed eventually too.

5 months later...

What has changed?
I'll tell you:  my return to work did not damage our nighttime routine in any way; though it was and still is a struggle for Keith during the morning routine when Cole whines for me. And heaven forbid I have a 2-hour delay because of snow or icy roads. Then the morning is royally screwed.

At night now, comedy routines are few and far between, but Cole still doesn't eat his dinner, though that's because he thinks the only thing he should have to eat is pasta.

But most importantly I finally found the solution to the problem I was having ( getting them to sleep in different rooms). Before Christmas, we decided to bite the bullet and move Bevin into Cole's room.  So on Dec. 21, we held our breaths and started putting Bevin to sleep in her portable crib (lined up adjacent to Cole's against the wall) after Cole laid down for the night. Since we lack the space in our house, this was our only choice. And how has it been going? Well, it's great on nights they both sleep. But between Bevin's teeth coming in and Cole having to pee, when one wake up, the other is sure to follow. And getting two kids back to sleep is a monumental task. It requires some serious patience and effort. And let me tell you, when you've only slept a few hours, those two qualities are NOT in abundance.

Another routine that has been working is this: instead of rushing home after work like I did from September to November, we finally decided that me staying an hour after work each day would be more beneficial than me rushing home each day and trying to get work done for 4-5 hours over the weekends. Our last straw was one Sunday afternoon when Cole was screaming for me in his room while Keith tried to unsuccessfully keep him calm. Now, I get my work done at work and leave it there. My home life is my own now.

Another routine is dinner. On Friday nights or Saturday mornings we meal plan and then go food shopping. On Sunday afternoons usually, Keith cooks 2-3 big meals for the week and packages them up in glass containers and each day after I get home from work, he takes them out, reheats them and voila, dinner is ready to eat. He makes things like Mullagtowny Soup or Beef Stracchietelle or a whole roast chicken with veggies or Turkey Pazole or Sweet Potato Minestrone. Good stuff using real ingredients. We try to focus on whole foods with one to two proteins and one vegeterian meal.  Sometimes he makes some rice or pasta or a fresh salad to go along with the reheated meal. What this new routine means is that dinner time each night is (usually) less stressful because it's already made!
Win!