Capturing the Beauty of Motherhood No Matter how Ugly it May Look

Thanks to SuperDada I manage to take a shower every day. I don't always wash my hair every day, mostly because a) it takes 15 minutes to blow dry and b) I just end up pulling it up into a pony tail anyway since Bevin is either eating it or pulling it like the reigns on a horse.

I haven't had a hair cut since my annual September cut, and I haven't slept through the night since the early days of my pregnancy with Bevin.  I still weigh 25 lbs more than I did before I got pregnant. But still, I want to share the following pictures of myself as a mother of a toddler and a semi-newborn (not so newborn anymore now that she's two months). I'm doing this because for so many reasons, one of which is that when I see pics of newborns on mommy blogs or on instagram, I rarely see photos of the mommies along with them. I love newborn pics and all, but I don't mind seeing what a real mother looks like every now and then.

Looking in the mirror while holding Bevin one night last week, I noticed something important - when I stood there expressionless, I looked tired, haggard, and unhappy. A simple turn of the mouth and I was happy and, dare I say? even just a little pretty! I can't tell you how much - in that moment - my own smile made me feel better about myself as a person and as a mother.

But most of the time I'm not so pretty. My hair is up in a clip. Strands are falling down and they aren't very curly. In fact they look kind of dry and unkempt. I have circular milk stains on my shirt. I sometimes wear my pajamas for most of the day (and, as a result, so does my toddler) and in certain lights in certain rooms of my house, and especially when I don't smile, I appear as though I haven't slept in two months. But guess what? I am mostly okay with this, although I do try to smile more. It just feels good.

Ever since she was born, I've been capturing photos of myself with my iPhone so that when my daughter looks back at this blog some day (in the form of a book, which I've been publishing every year), she doesn't just see photos of herself, but also of the two of us, so she can treasure those moments she can't remember and appreciate the fact that I accepted and loved what I looked like, no matter how tired I looked, or how drab my hair was, or how ugly my pajamas were. These pictures show me "appreciating/enjoying/loving" the moments as so many people advise parents to do (as if we are lame parents if we don't enjoy every second). I can't say I enjoy every single one of those moments because I am human. But I am learning about my children, myself as a mother, and my husband as a father during those tougher "less fun" moments that shape the day to day stuff.

(Unfortunately, these photos are grossly out of chronological order (an order of which I am really fond) but I did caption them.)

One afternoon on the couch. Bevin was a few weeks. I'm wearing my favorite hoodie, my purple Burton hoodie.

I took this pic of Bev and sent it to someone (can't remember) when we were at the birth center.

When I manage to shower AND wash my hair, this is sometimes the end result.

In Cole's room, waiting for sleep to come.

This is the picture of tired. Taken at the birth center.

In the car after a nursing session, waiting for SuperDada to get diapers at Target. It's possible I washed my hair.

Kiwi steals a moment. It's all she can do these days to get attention.

I don't know what it is about this photo, but I love it best.

Sometimes, I have to be creative with my attention.

As much as babywearing breaks my back, it is so useful with a toddler. 

Hiding my hair in SuperDada's hat. Bevin's in the Moby while we are in the garage playing. 

We each have our own pillow here.

I'm sure my hair didn't stay down for long.

This is our perch after putting Cole to sleep.

Babywearing in the pajamas.

At least one of us is sleeping.