Transitions in day care

Cole is all about transitions. He does not like abrupt change. In fact, he gets very upset when you take him away from something or something away from him. But if you give him time, do the proper good-byes, he is usually fine with it. We say good-bye to the park, good-bye to a friend's house, we even say hello to the car seat, and I find that that makes whatever drive lies ahead a little bit easier.

Of course, it's taken us many months to figure this out, so in the late Spring, when the director of Cole's day care recommended we place him in the Toddler Room starting in September, I didn't think too much about it. To be honest, as Cole's mother, I felt flattered that she thought Cole was ready for a new room a full month early than the beginning age (Toddler Room starts at 16 months). So aside from a few questions about nap time, I signed Cole up for the Toddler room.  During August, I tried in vein to transition him to a later nap time so he'd be used to it by the time Sept. 1 arrived. He definitely dropped one nap, but he was sort of in between an afternoon and morning nap. He preferred to go to sleep around 10 or 11 and would sleep 1.5 to 2 hours. This is true of most kids his age I know, so I knew it wasn't far from the norm. In addition, he went to day care about 4 times during the summer. And some of those times, he spent in the Toddler room getting his feet wet. I was told each and every time that he had a great time.

However.

There's always a however in a story like this. I said he didn't like abrupt change, right? Well, he never truly said good-bye to the infant room because he didn't actually transition from one room to the next. Would you call this a transition?: spending 10 months in the infant room, two months home with me, and then back to day care in a new room with completely new teachers.

I would say we threw him in to either sink or swim. And for that I feel really bad. Definite mommy fail. And also one of those times where I feel like I let my ego get the better of me. I should've thought about the consequences of putting him in a new room after two months home with me. (My alternative would have been to have him return to the infant room in September and slowly make the transition to the toddler room until being moved in October.) But to give me some credit, I did not know he would have new teachers. The teacher who was in there in the Spring, he knew really well. She used to work in the infant room, and he had become attached to her. She moved on to bigger and better things over the summer. So they hired someone new. And to fill in a maternity leave, they hired another new teacher. So Cole did not know these teachers from Adam. So this first week? It's been pretty rough for him.  We discovered some changes that were not mentioned at the time of the recommendation. They don't give bottles, so they don't warm milk.  Cole likes warm milk. They only feed the kids one big meal and two snacks - three hours apart. Cole ate more often than that at home. And they don't go out until after 10 a.m. Cole and I almost always went outside around 8 a.m. We gave them a half gallon of milk for him on the first day back and then learned that they only gave him a little milk with his big lunch. So those first few nights home, he was waking up in the middle of the night very hungry. Although he's been eating what they feed him, going to sleep when it's nap time (but not sleeping the whole time), and socializing well with the other kids, he cries often. During the first day or two he kept pointing to the door saying "Door!" He asked for "Doo Doo" a lot, and wanted to be held a lot.  I would pick him up, and I'd get the "He didn't do so well" look from the director.

Thankfully, the new permanent teacher - despite having a completely different parenting philosophy from me (she's of the cry-it-out/don't-pick-them-up-when-they-cry school of thought) - has been supportive.  After a few initial hiccups in the way she approached both Keith and I about Cole's crying, she has since been trying to bond with Cole so that he trusts her to console him when he is upset.  That makes me feel reassured.

Not only has she been trying, but we've also been trying to help make this change a little bit easier for him. We've been talking about "school" more often with Cole, mentioning the teacher's name in conversation. We also brought in a soft blanket that smells like me for his nap time. And finally, Keith remembered the "look" book I put together for Cole when he was an infant. It is a soft plastic and is filled with different pictures of Keith and I. So far, he's looked through it a number of times, including during nap time.

This whole experience has given us pause with regards to day care. It has us discussing other options for the future. I always envisioned Cole at this place, but I'm not sure that that will be the reality. I realize now that she might have recommended Cole for the toddler room - not because she thought he was ready - but because there were a few openings, and if he was moved, the center could take on younger babies in the infant room. The infant room is a little more expensive than the toddler room. Also, bringing someone in while they're an infant is more likely going to result in that child attending for a number of years. It is probably less common that toddlers come in to day care for the first time or switch day care. I truly hope that this was not the case and that she had my son's best interest at heart. But that cynical side of me knows that this is a business. And lately, most business people are just concerned about the bottom line.

And just to clarify, I still think they gave excellent care to Cole as an infant. I felt like he got the extra special treatment from lots of teachers, mainly because he's so adorable and also because he's sensitive, and sometimes needs that extra attention. I'm going to give it some time before we make any decisions about his care there as a toddler.

I think the thing that really bothers me is no one truly understood why Cole was having such a hard time adjusting to the new room. They seemed taken aback. WE had to tell THEM why we thought it was happening.  When you have a 15-month-old shouting "Door!" it's probably because he thinks he's in the wrong room and wants to go to the room he's used to, the one he spent most of his first year when there. He doesn't know any adults in this new room, no one ever told him he was leaving the other room. Just to give us some credit - we did tell him at home numerous times, but he probably needed it explained to him when he was actually AT day care.

It all comes back to those transitions to make changes like this go a bit more smoothly. A few good-byes and farewells might have made all the difference. If only I had known. But I can't change the past. So dear readers, please keep your fingers crossed that he gets through this rough patch.