I try to tell myself that's alright, that this corner of the internet is for me anyway, not for anyone else, but it still makes me feel a little sad. What I do know is that each year I publish this blog into a book, so that my kids will have a history of our family in print form. So that is what keeps me going. I publish it here and soon it'll be on a printed page for the family to see.
It seems lately that parenting has gotten a lot harder. Both kids seem to need me at the same exact time for two completely different things. I often feel torn - how do I give myself to both of them at the same time? It's an impossible task. I try and I try to give them equal amounts of attention so no one gets jealous, but it never fails that someone always does. Jealousy around here usually results in someone getting hurt (emotionally and physically). Sometimes behaviors arise out of jealousy and I don't even realize what's happening until it's all done. Some days are really challenging and other days I feel like I can hack it. That is the ebb and flow of life, I guess, but it's a tough pill to swallow on the days where it's a challenge, because I feel like a failure. I compare myself to other parents I know and think they all are so much better, smarter, more controlled, open-minded, happy, etc. Going on social media and seeing what seems like perfect lives does not help with my urge to compare. I reach out to my real friends when I can, but it's not often enough, because otherwise I'd know that everyone with young children has just as many tough days as I do.
Being home full-time and immersed in the lives of my children, I've also been feeling a little lost and sad. Where is my time? What happened to my vacation? All gone. All gone because my life purpose seems to be making other people happy. I guess that's the plight of most parents - putting others before yourself. After long talks with my husband and another close friend, I've decided to freewrite at the end of each day before going to bed. This helps get my thoughts out and makes me feel a little bit more connected to myself. It's something I used to do regularly when I was in my 20s, even in my early 30s. But once I became pregnant with Bevin, I just got too tired, felt too sick, and became completely unfocused. It's like I gave up my way of living for a new life. But some of that old stuff worked for me and giving it up has resulted in a void and a general lacking in my life. I lacked in the ability to connect with myself. I spend too much time trying to connect with others, either through texting, or social media, or blogging. But I forget that I've got to connect with me in order to happily live my life. How can I recharge if I'm not recharging myself? Looking at instagram is not recharging, it's draining. It drains me of my energy and my motivation. If I see someone posted from some exotic locale, or showing a picture of an immaculate, stylish home, I immediately think - why can't I have that? I just get stuck in this negative way of thinking because I have so much. It's so much easier to think about what you don't have rather than what you do have. I don't know why that is, but it's always been my reality - focusing on the negative. This is my summer brain - me trying to improve myself. I'm aware of my negative thinking. I'm aware of the fact that I can get angry easily. I am taking steps to change it. But like everything else in life, change takes time. It's not going to happen overnight. I'm not going to become a different person simply because I've tried for a few days. I need to practice consistency. I need to work at it. Eventually it will become a habit, but not right away. I must continue to remind myself of that.
Meanwhile, I'm embracing the small moments, the happy hour I might spend by myself or with my kids, or talking with someone I love. I'm embracing my children for who they are and what they need at that moment.
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